I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
never ask a starfish for directions
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Canadian owl: Eh?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.