Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
This rocks
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.