[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
You Might Also Like
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
apparently this year was written by stephen king
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET