I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks