Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.