*mops up wine with cat*
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
A small tragedy.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.