3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes