This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.