My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Duck typos.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Hard not to take this personally
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car