Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.