When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me