Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?