My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.