Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Something Saturday.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
british sex workers really pound for pound
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.