ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“You’d better run, egg!”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.