This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Boating season is upon us.
Breaking news:
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”