Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Why I divorced her.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My dress code is business-casualty.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it