Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
gm
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard