*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I get distracted pretty eas
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳