It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends