Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
TRAIN’S HERE
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.