[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
You Might Also Like
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is