the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here鈥檚 your problem right here.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
here鈥檚 the problem with fruit: it鈥檚 inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what鈥檚 the same every time? doritos
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it鈥檚 been a while since I鈥檝e had it- mac & cheese
If you need me I鈥檒l be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I鈥檓 pretty like a car crash.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can鈥檛 find and set them loose in your home.
Okay me first
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it