Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions