This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.