Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Bruh PLEASE
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
s
oc
i
a
l
lmao
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.