life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary