Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago