I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Support your local cemetery
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.