*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.