“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Meanwhile in Portland…