they finally got him. they got macavity
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*