No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Merry Christmas