I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.