I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.