– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I think about this a lot
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”