The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*