When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.