Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease