It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.