[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
i mainly don鈥檛 bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
People are managing their retirement funds and I鈥檓 over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I鈥檝e never been so happy to know she鈥檚 actually using it
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I鈥檓 a Mario Brother for a living.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*