Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*