Spell check is for lasers.
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.