King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My favorite female superhero
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.