You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.