I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time