Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
quarantine day 3
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*