You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I think the cat got the dog high.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
very niche meme I made
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls