My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me