her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
You Might Also Like
Feel. He’s so soft.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no